mind. heart. and everything in between.

"Love ceases to be a demon only when it ceases to be a god"

-Denis de Rougemont

I can't seem to get any sleep tonight because for one, my pillows are in the dryer, and I have so many thoughts buzzing around in my head. I have been recently thinking about how we tend to unknowingly entangle ourselves in emotional bondage. This can manifest itself as hanging on to someone's word or some hope stemming from a far-fetched reality. We become slaves to these false hopes and promises, compromising our good judgment on the improbable possibility or impossible probability. It can be devastating for sentient creatures such as ourselves. Longing, unmet expectations, pining, false hope--all these are descriptions of when our emotions go terribly wrong. I do believe emotions comes from something pure and good inside us, but when we live solely for our emotions is when it grows sour and perverse. When we exalt emotions above all else it drives us to do the most unreasonable things (think crimes of passion). It puts into perspective the shear power of our emotions. A mere crush grows into liking, into Eros, into infatuation, into dangerous obsession.

Our mental processes are a balancing act between reason and emotion, between the mind and the heart. It begs the question, "When the mind and heart agree can man truly can be happy? or at peace?" And I am sure we can agree, moments when our minds and hearts agree are far and few between. Too much reason makes you animatronic, dull, stoic; on the other hand, too much emotion makes you impulsive and reckless. It is really impossible to quantify how much reason and how much emotion we should utilize in our everyday lives. And to undergo such a task is ridiculous. So I think a sound, balanced mind can be better obtained by this simple maxim: "All things in moderation." For it is a fine line between a sound mind and total oblivion.

of things to come.

This summer I have one thing on my mind: China. Well, also finding a job (among other things) but mostly China. In the end of June I'll embark on my journey to the Far East. I'm actually going to visit my father who has been working there for quite some time now. I don't know why I never thought about visiting him before but I hope this will be one of many visits to see him. Besides, it will contribute to my pursuit to fill every page of my passport.

Usually when I travel, I don't plan where and what I want to do. I leave it to chance, I suppose. At the very least I want to taste the food and meet the people. But for this trip I would like to visit the Yanbian Korean Autonomous Prefecture (연변 조선족 자치주/延邊朝鮮族自治州). The people that live in this area are ethnically Korean but live in China and speak both Korean and Chinese. I'm curious to see how these Koreans differ in dialect, food, and culture compared to the Korean culture that I am familiar with. There is no doubt that there will be a strong influence of Chinese culture and I'd like to see how this causes deviations in its Korean culture in this "Third Korea."

Something that I have noticed about myself is that though I enjoy traveling, I tend to get cold feet; I get nervous about leaving what I know. And I feel this is proof of how terribly conformed I can be with my life. But it only pushes me to want to see the world more. It is definitely courage of a different kind.

Listening to "A Vizinho do Lado" by Roberta Sá

thankful.

This past week has been eventful. And by eventful I mean it has been full of spending time with friends. I have never really been the kind of person who makes friends very quickly. Nor do they come in high volumes when I do. Growing up I've always had a small and very close friend base. And in those times when life calls us to go our separate ways, it becomes a big deal to me. But my time here in Auburn has taught me much about learning how to let go.

So that cycle has come once again while I have been in Auburn. Friends get engaged, friends graduate and move away, friends pursuing a calling. And so it forces me to find a new friend base. And how does one do that? I guess you can go find new friends, like you find a new pair of shoes. Or...not. As old friends go, new friends come in. And always with impeccable timing, it seems. And so this past week I have been spending time with a new group of people and just getting to know and talk to people I don't think I would normally talk to. And I find all this refreshing. All this change around me--I don't even recognize my surroundings.

I believe that the people you associate with influence you in pieces. So as I start to know these new and interesting people, I know that somewhere in me, I am changing as well. And Change has been pretty much my theme these days.

I am so thankful for these people that have been pretty much dropped into my life. Joy.

So, yay for Change.

hard stuff.

I had recently put myself in a most precarious position. Or did I? I can't claim that I have any control over how the wheels will turn. All I know is that my reality was shaken and it forced me to make a hard decision. But God puts us in "hard positions" for a reason. And good reasons at that. We can never really say a seemingly "bad" situation at present is really, well, bad. Because how many times has its effects rippled into the future and ultimately produced a "good" effect? I certainly have testimony of that. I think back on my life and question: "what if God granted me everything I ever asked for?" My life would not be the life I'm living right now. Actually, it would be awful. My unanswered prayers were for the best and we only realize it in retrospect.

God moved in me to make the decision that I made for a reason. It was due time, really. And though it pains me to see that the result of it hurt someone close to me, I have to trust that it is ultimately for the best for both of us. Naturally I want to be a friend, I want to comfort, I want to say that "it will all be ok," but that is no longer my place. And in such situations, no matter how much you consider the emotions of the other, no matter how much tact and sensitivity you try to utilize when approaching it, it is always going to be messy. It goes with the territory.

And this is why faith is so important. It is what gives me hope. I trust that a power greater and wiser than myself is guiding me through it all. And if I am listening to Him and truly understand what I must do, then I know it will be alright in the end. Often times (or is it every time?) doing the right thing is the hardest to do; making the right decision is the hardest decision of all. And I definitely had to make a hard decision. So I know it was the right one.