korean.

So, I have been taking Korean lessons for about 2 weeks now. It was kind of something I decided to do on a whim. I have taken Korean lessons once before but only for a brief period of time. This time around has been much better. My reading and comprehension has improved exponentially. And though starting out there was no real passion to learn Korean again, slowly I have rekindled a fire within me for it. And not just the Korean language, but all things Korean.

I hadn't realized the gravity of it all when I decided to learn Korean again. Now I see it is so much more then learning how to speak Korean. This is about preserving my Korean identity. And being Korean is more than just ethnicity. To be Korean, there has to be something that is an outward expression of that ethnic groups identity. We can distinguish a Frenchman from a German by language, social ideologies/ culture norms, religion, etc. I mean, this is how we were able to group the French and German people to begin with. Mapping genetic trends in different ethnic groups came after (way after). So to be Korean, I think, is an individual that displays and observes Korean culture (way of thinking, mannerisms, language, food, writing, holidays, etc). It all play an important role in Korean identity. I think that an Anglo-Saxon descended individual born and living in Korea, practicing all these identity factors, is more "Korean" than a 2nd generation ethnically Korean person born in America who doesn't know anything about his ethnic culture.

I could go on and on about what I think a Korean person is or isn't but that is really beside the point right now. The point is that the Korean identity is a part of my identity. It is who and what I am. It cannot be ignored nor overlooked. And for me to let it slip away from me is letting a big part of who am be lost forever. To know my Korean culture is to know a big part of me. And I am starting to see that those in the past who I have never been able to share that with because either I never felt I could reveal that part of me, or they never asked me about it, didn't really know me.
And its not their fault. I do not blame them for not knowing this part of me. We open different parts of ourselves to different people, in different amounts, different ways, as it naturally comes. So I have no grudge or ill-will toward anyone. All this has only made me aware that my Korean identity is a deep and personal part of me.

I am thankful that I have been put in a situation where I am rediscovering this part of me. Glory. And I am also so thankful for those who have been just as passionate as I am about learning all things Korean with me.

^_^

wrestling the atlantic.

The Atlantic is an awesome force. It is so different than the Gulf, which tends to be more calmer waters. The Atlantic ebbs and flows, twists and turns, swells and crashes. Swimming in it is exhilarating. The waves are so powerful it tosses my body with ease; you realize how helpless we are against the forces of nature.

I see those waves and think, "I want to swim against the waves." I'm sure this is what most guys would think. We see a mountain, we want to climb it and reach the top. It is interesting, really. There is something about being a man. I don't know if it is that we want to "conquer" nature, or just absorb its power, being a part of it--maybe its both. Being able to fair against these forces gives me the feeling that I deserved to be a part of nature, that I had what it takes to earn my keep in this existence.

I went against the waves to test myself (as well as have fun). There is a mutual respect, between the Atlantic and I. I want it to teach me something about it and about myself. What am I capable of? Courage is either a divine gift or a beautiful flaw. And so for the past couple of days, it was me and the Atlantic.

Its waves would crash and push me back onto shore, not letting me enter the deep. But then as if to mock me, its undertow would pull me in again. So I plant my feet into the sand to find stability.

Crash.

I sway like a branch in the wind but I hold my ground. I fight the current and make steps forward.

Crash.

Swim. The current only will swipe me off my feet. I see the next swell. Dive into it.

Crash.

I dove under the palm of the wave and pull myself through the water and emerge behind it. I look back and I see the wave fade into the shore.

The next wave, bigger than the first comes for me. It comes.

Closer.

Swelling and roaring.

Closer.

I dive under it.

Crash.

Again I emerge behind it and see it fade into shore. The waves kept coming, but further and further I swam.

slow weekend.

Fridays tend to be just as busy as any other day of the week. But this Friday was a little slower than usual. I was able to end the day with coffee with a close friend. We try to meet at least every two weeks or so. And since he was leaving for Chicago for break, I was especially glad to see him.

We always have the most interesting conversation about life, film, the German language, and faith with him, among other things. He keeps me sharp which I am grateful for. Along with being able to have great conversation, he usually does well to keep me formed of local performances. He told me that the Auburn Community Orchestra and Auburn University Concert Choir were performing at a local high school. They performed Mendelssohn's "Reformation" and Prokofiev's "Alexander Nevsky." The Prokofiev piece was amazing. I am usually partial to German composers but the type of music that Russian composers write doesn't compare. It's at a completely different level. The music they write have dark and brooding themes that cut into you, pierces you. It grabs your soul. The rush I felt from those dissonant melodies were euphoric. I love feeling music.

The night sky was beautiful Saturday after the concert. I enjoy the stillness of the night. Sometimes I just stand under the night sky looking up at stars and just zone out. The darkness gives life mystery.

This weekend was good. And tonight (Sunday) I'm just in thought, really. I feel the sleep whispering in my ear. I think I better get ready for bed.

nothing special about today.

This is probably the first time I've written without a point to make. But maybe some point will come out. Today was in one word, beautiful. It is getting warmer and the sun on my skin feels amazing. Today I'll try to read and write since I don't have much time to do such things, these days.

But I think about so much even when I am busy. My mind doesn't know how to wind down. I've been thinking a lot about the world. I've always loved the world; the diversity of it. I long to see the world. I remember times when I would think how cool it would be to be a nomad. Live on a train. Backpack. Just go.

Go.

Its bizarre how just saying it floods my soul with hopes and dreams.

Go.

The places I would see, the people I would meet, the stories I would share, the foods I would eat, the languages I would hear. This world is so big how could one just not want to see it all? How can you not want it all?

Reminiscing Central Park....

mystery of it all.

It is hard to really put to words where I am right now. I am in this place. Well, not even a place. I am in transit. I am moving. We forget that life is a journey. It is a journey with winding roads, high peaks and low valleys. I suppose I have been standing still, really. I became stagnant and grew stale. I haven't been moving forward. But God knows my troubles, my thoughts, my dreams, my passions. And He has shaken the ground beneath me, forcing me to move forward. He has been setting something in motion for me.

The past couple of days I once again realized how big God is. We use analogies like "Father" to help us grasp what and who He is. But we can't truly comprehend His grandeur. He is mysterious. I do believe that he does want us to know Him. But because He is so big, our human minds cannot possibly grasp him mentally. So we have to seek Him, trust Him, and have faith in Him. What our minds cannot do, He gives us so much to compensate. Because the point is not to one day fully understand him. It is to always seek him. Always question even if there is no answer.

So here I am. In wonder of Him once more. He has stirred something in me and pushing me forward. To where? But he sustains my heart and soul. I am scared because I don't know what the outcome is. But yet, I also feel joy. I have faith and hope that what is to come is for the best. I have let go and learned to trust.

I am learning not to be anxious.

Reading Suite Française by Irène Némirovsky

Listening to "Field Below" by Regina Spektor